The Male Goan Lover
Perils of rural sex research

By Cecil Pinto


A recent newspaper report highlighted the findings of a poll of 15,000 women that rated the world's best and worst lovers. The worst list was headed by the Germans (too smelly) followed closely by the English (too lazy) and the Swedes (too quick to finish). On the other end of the spectrum Latin countries topped the 'best lover' list, with Spain at number one, followed by Brazil, Italy and France.

What if we had a pan-India survey? Let women from all over the country vote on who are the best lovers among all the states of India.

Do the Bongs give a better bang for the buck? Does the wily Gujju's expertise extend from the cash counter to the bed? Is the Keralite superior sexually too or just literally? Is the Marathi manos man enough? Does the Punjabi's enthusiasm translate into orgasm for his partner? Is Bihar about inter-caste tension or intense intercourse? Do we Goan men, with our Iberian attitude in such matters, score like our Latin counterparts? Is the ultimate Indian love machine concealed by a lungi or a mundu, a veshti or a humble kashti?

In the grand tradition of Masters & Johnson and Kinsey and Hite I decided to conduct such a poll among Indian women and research how they rated men from different states as lovers. But then I found I was biting of more than I could chew. Let's concentrate on what I know about. I don't mean sex, I mean Goa.

How do women rate Goan lovers? Is the stud from Candolim better in bed than his bud from Sanquelim? Are the big Moira bananas a myth or are the potent Aldona chillies overrated? Can the Romeo from Ribandar compete with the Cassanova from Carmona?

At first I decided to do an anonymous type of question-answer thing over the phone by dialing random numbers. If what sounded like an adult female answered...

"Hello ma'am, I'm calling from the Goa Research Institute. We are doing an intra-Goa survey on Male Sexuality. Would you be willing to answer a few questions?"

"Questionuuuu?"

"Yes ma'am, questions regarding sex."

"Sexuuuuu?"

"Ma'am I understand you are from Salcete. If you wish I can speak in Konkani?  Hanv Konkani ulonv?"

"Uloiuuuu?"

"Aaaaarrrggghhhh!!"

Next I tried random numbers in North Goa till I got what sounded like an adult English speaking woman on the phone and gave her my spiel about research etc. She seemed quite open minded.

"So let me get this clear. You want to ask me some questions about sex for some research?"

"Yes ma'am. You will be completely anonymous and we will not phone you again."

"Ok. Ask your questions."

"Ma'am, the men from which village do you consider to be the worst lovers in Goa?"

"Cortalim! Definitely Cortalim!"

"You seem very confident. How come?"

"My husband is from Cortalim!"

"Oh! Ok. And which village do the best lovers come from?"

"How on earth would I know? I've only ever had sex with my husband."

Many phone calls later my survey was not making any advance. I had the phone slammed down by most women. Some threatened to complain to the cops that I was harassing them. Among the few close female friends who agreed to answer most were not sexually experienced enough to make a comparison. Few were virgins, others had been either largely monogamous or their amorous lives did not extend beyond a couple of talukas.

Our Goan women were not experienced enough to honestly answer such a survey that needed comparisons over multiple lovers. The few self confessed 'sluts' I knew were veterans in these matters but their responses were heavily weighted in terms of what their lover brought to the table than to the bed. To their minds foreplay didn't count for as much as diamond rings did.

Then I had a brainwave. From a friend of a friend I got the phone number of this female who gave massages of the erotic kind - if you know what I mean. Who better than her to rate Goan men on their sexual capabilities. Of course I had not factored that her English language capabilities may not match her bedroom techniques. She was a Thai or a Phillipino - I don't know accents very well.

"Hello is this Jenny? I got your number from John Fernandes who gave..."

"You wanting massage at your doorstep?"

"Actually I just wanted to ask you a few questions."

"I come at your doorstep. No question asked."

I thought to myself that if ever I had to avail of Jenny's services I would insist that she come inside the house and not at the doorstep. What would the neighbours say? Anyway after a lot of to and fro on the phone I managed to explain to her what the survey was about. Jenny explained that she had very few Goan men as clients but considering the sure volume of business she managed, single handedly, even that small percentage encompassed most villages.

"What about the men from Assolna?"

"Why dis man not having Number Two hole?"

"Whaaaat? Oh! No! Forget Assolna. Mapusa. Where do men from Mapusa stand?"

"Standing very fine. But bargaining too much. They thinks like market."

"Ok. I get it. What about the guys from Divar?"

"Very hurry. Very hurry. Wanting to finish fast to catch next ferry."

"Aha! And Caranzalem?"

"Yes, sometimes it happen in the car. I understanding little Konkani."

"No I mean. Ok how do the boys from Anjuna compare?"

"They don't want to use me. They want to hire me out to foreigners and make a commission."

"Saligao?"

"They talking too much. Doing very little."

"Curtorim?"

"Fighting like bull"

"Agacaim?"

"Using colourful language."

"Is there a major difference between North Goan men and South Goan men?"

"That difficult question. What better? North or South Goan sausage? What better - Caju Feni or Palm Feni? What important? I no can say."    (ENDS)

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As appeared in the Gomantak Times, Goa - October 8, 2009