An ode to Colva
By Derek Almeida
The brand of Christianity practiced in Colva is not for the meek and the kind. It is for the tough and the ruthless. The chaps who can throw stones and torch gaddas and then go for confession and wipe the slate clean.
So I decided to compose a poem in honour of the Colva Parish Council who recently celebrated Christmas by pelting stones on the residence of their neighbour.
If you happen to be the type
who beats his chest at night and says,
‘Father forgive them for they
know not what they do’
Colva is not the place for you.
Ever heard of the man called Jesus?
He said to turn the other cheek.
I love this law, I love this teaching,
But in Colva they prefer to do the slapping
They are willing to cast the first stone.
They are willing to break the first bone
Just name the chap, point to his place
And they’ll work wonders with his face.
We believe in forgiveness
We know love is strong
But on that Monday afternoon
They did what was wrong
PI Edwin, he is a great dude
He never made a sound, he made them feel good
And when it was time to stone the tiles
Good Edwin was far, far away by miles
Every morning for church they depart,
To receive His grace with humble heart.
And to God in heaven they firmly pray,
To please take Calvert Gonsalves away.
In high respect they hold Diogo father,
And believe not that he met a mother.
For him they will fight and set afire,
That he may enjoy to his heart’s desire.
And what can we say about our CM?
Who carefully ignored all this mayhem
He knows how to close his eyes and avoid the sight,
of Colva parishioners having a fight
Oh church leaders why do you not act?
Are we to believe that there is a pact.
To protect Fr Diogo and the council’s fair name,
And leave the rest of us to hide in shame.
For violence Jesus said, is not a game,
To play and play in his dear name.
Dear church leaders it is no sin
To curb the deadly rot within.
Someday when time has passed us by,
We will look back with cautious eye.
And then, let it not be said
That our dear church leaders, our guiding light
Failed to stand by what was right.
And for Calvert we have something to say,
It would be better if you are kept at bay.
If you want to sing, dance and make merry
Take trip to Antarctica on a one-way ferry.
(ENDS)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
First published in the Gomantak Times (Weekender), Goa - January 3, 2010
Showing posts with label Footloose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Footloose. Show all posts
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Sunday, December 27, 2009
FOOTLOOSE: The wrong idea
The wrong idea
By Derek Almeida
Why is it that when a man gets caught with three naked women in his room most people get the silly idea that he wants to have sex? Perhaps this has much to do with stereotyping – men want sex, women want children.
The other day the 86-year-old Governor of Andhra Pradesh N D Tiwari was literally caught with his pants down along with three women who were quite naked. My question is why did no one look at it as installation art? Why did we all jump to the conclusion that Tiwari wanted sex? Did we get his side of the story?
While most reporters took the holier-than-thou attitude, I opted to probe the matter deeper to get to the truth. To my good luck I happened to get in touch with a bureaucrat at the Raj Bhavan and he agreed to do an interview.
Sir, how did Tiwari manage to get three women to take off their clothes?
That is something that all the men in the Raj Bhavan are eager to know, because Tiwariji succeeded were everyone else failed. (laughs)
Was Tiwari on Viagra, because most Goans are surprised at what he was attempting to do at his age?
No he was not on Viagra. You must remember if a man is fit enough to be Governor, he can do anything and everything. Secondly, the media has misconstrued the scene capture on camera by a television channel to be that of Tiwari having an orgy. I wish to state that just because you seen three women in the company of a man does not mean he wants to have sex with them. I wish to clarify that Tiwariji was merely going through a stress test and the whole episode was purely medical in nature. We will be releasing a pressnote shortly clarifying Tiwariji’s position.
Any photos?
I am afraid we cannot release any photos because of the sensitive nature of the medical tests undertaken.
Why were three women needed for the stress test when one would do?
You must not forget that Tiwari is the Governor and as Governor he is entitled to the best medical treatment money can buy. There is no question of compromising on the health of the Governor. We are aware that one woman would have been sufficient for the test but had to include another two on the recommendation of a local numerologist who said, “Two is company, three is fun.”
There is an allegation that the Governor was exploiting women members of his staff ….
This is totally untrue. The three women you are referring to were from Uttarkhand. They had volunteered for the job and were amply compensated for services rendered.
Are you saying the Raj Bhavan has been turned into a den for prostitution?
This is entirely untrue. As I already mentioned the women in question were from poorer regions of Uttarkhand and Tiwariji was doing all he could to pull them out of poverty by offering them the opportunity to help him undergo a stress test.
Isn’t there an alternate way of conducting a stress test?
You are right, there are alternate ways, but most of them are pretty boring. Tiwariji is 86 years old and we thought the best way of kick starting the test was by getting three maidens to strip. Believe me, this old trick still works.
Yes, it also kick started an agitation.
I know…we though people would understand…
Are you saying what Tiwari did was right?
I am not saying that his actions were either right or wrong. Though, in hindsight we should have switched off the lights.
Have the women made a statement to the police?
I don’t think you are aware of the immunity enjoyed by a Governor against prosecution. He cannot be tried for any action undertaken in the line of duty. So we conducted an internal enquiry.
What did the women have to say?
They bared all. They told us the truth and nothing but the naked truth. Not once did they accuse Tiwariji of any wrongdoing although, they did mention that he dropped off to sleep in the middle of the stress test.
Do you believe their story?
Let me put it this way: Their hips don’t lie.
(ENDS)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
First published in the Gomantak Times (Weekender), Goa - December 27, 2009
By Derek Almeida
Why is it that when a man gets caught with three naked women in his room most people get the silly idea that he wants to have sex? Perhaps this has much to do with stereotyping – men want sex, women want children.
The other day the 86-year-old Governor of Andhra Pradesh N D Tiwari was literally caught with his pants down along with three women who were quite naked. My question is why did no one look at it as installation art? Why did we all jump to the conclusion that Tiwari wanted sex? Did we get his side of the story?
While most reporters took the holier-than-thou attitude, I opted to probe the matter deeper to get to the truth. To my good luck I happened to get in touch with a bureaucrat at the Raj Bhavan and he agreed to do an interview.
Sir, how did Tiwari manage to get three women to take off their clothes?
That is something that all the men in the Raj Bhavan are eager to know, because Tiwariji succeeded were everyone else failed. (laughs)
Was Tiwari on Viagra, because most Goans are surprised at what he was attempting to do at his age?
No he was not on Viagra. You must remember if a man is fit enough to be Governor, he can do anything and everything. Secondly, the media has misconstrued the scene capture on camera by a television channel to be that of Tiwari having an orgy. I wish to state that just because you seen three women in the company of a man does not mean he wants to have sex with them. I wish to clarify that Tiwariji was merely going through a stress test and the whole episode was purely medical in nature. We will be releasing a pressnote shortly clarifying Tiwariji’s position.
Any photos?
I am afraid we cannot release any photos because of the sensitive nature of the medical tests undertaken.
Why were three women needed for the stress test when one would do?
You must not forget that Tiwari is the Governor and as Governor he is entitled to the best medical treatment money can buy. There is no question of compromising on the health of the Governor. We are aware that one woman would have been sufficient for the test but had to include another two on the recommendation of a local numerologist who said, “Two is company, three is fun.”
There is an allegation that the Governor was exploiting women members of his staff ….
This is totally untrue. The three women you are referring to were from Uttarkhand. They had volunteered for the job and were amply compensated for services rendered.
Are you saying the Raj Bhavan has been turned into a den for prostitution?
This is entirely untrue. As I already mentioned the women in question were from poorer regions of Uttarkhand and Tiwariji was doing all he could to pull them out of poverty by offering them the opportunity to help him undergo a stress test.
Isn’t there an alternate way of conducting a stress test?
You are right, there are alternate ways, but most of them are pretty boring. Tiwariji is 86 years old and we thought the best way of kick starting the test was by getting three maidens to strip. Believe me, this old trick still works.
Yes, it also kick started an agitation.
I know…we though people would understand…
Are you saying what Tiwari did was right?
I am not saying that his actions were either right or wrong. Though, in hindsight we should have switched off the lights.
Have the women made a statement to the police?
I don’t think you are aware of the immunity enjoyed by a Governor against prosecution. He cannot be tried for any action undertaken in the line of duty. So we conducted an internal enquiry.
What did the women have to say?
They bared all. They told us the truth and nothing but the naked truth. Not once did they accuse Tiwariji of any wrongdoing although, they did mention that he dropped off to sleep in the middle of the stress test.
Do you believe their story?
Let me put it this way: Their hips don’t lie.
(ENDS)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
First published in the Gomantak Times (Weekender), Goa - December 27, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
FOOTLOOSE: In protest mode
In protest mode
By Derek Almeida
Some time back former GCCI president Nitin Konkolienkar said that “protests” had become an industry in Goa. I never took him seriously until I bumped into my friend Ram Vilas. He was on his way to the Majestic Hotel with a placard which read, “Say no to casinos.”
“Arre bhai, when did you join the protest brigade?” I asked him.
“Derekji, good to see you,” he gushed, “I am now pucca Goan. I learning to protest just like you. You know, long time I am thinking to start new business …..”
“What happened to your tandoori chicken restaurant?” I asked.
“Wife is looking after restaurant, so, I thought I will start new business,” he explained. “First I am giving lots of thought. Then after having some pegs of feni, I am giving more though, but not like first time. Then I am getting some inspiration like tiny drops and suddenly my tube light is working, and I get idea to start NGO and launch protest. Hopefully, in two years I will get office in Panjim if I can make big nuisance for government.” Ram Vilas grinned while I stood there stunned over how this little man had progressed.
“If you are here and your wife is in the restaurant who looks after the children?” I asked with concern.
“Children growing by self Derekji, no tension,” he replied.
Ten day later I found Ram Vilas sipping a cup of tea in a hotel in Panjim along with few of his friends.
“Derekji, welcome we are planning to stage dharna in Old Goa against Baiguinim garbage site,” he said with enthusiasm.
“Arre Ram bhai, you live in Porvorim what is your objection to the Baiguinim site?”
Ram Vilas quickly introduced me to a ragged looking fellow with an overgrown beard and six rings on his fingers. “Derekji meet Pratap from Lucknow. He is top fellow in ideology.” Of course Ram pronounced it as ‘i-doll-g’ but I got the drift.
Pratap slurped tea from a saucer, gave me suspicious glance and then let loose a barrage in pure Hindi, which I could scarcely understand. The only word I took in was ‘Bainguinim’ which he threw in several times for effect. After he had finished he sat down and continued slurping tea as if nothing had happened.
“What did he say?” I asked Ram Vilas.
Ram Vilas did a left-right with his head and said, “Too fast for me, Derekji, but we are going Old Goa to click good photo for Press.”
About a month later I spotted Ram Vilas in a morcha, which was working its way towards the Secretariat. He was panting and gasping as the protestors struggled up the slope after the Mandovi bridge. Ram Vilas looked like he was going to have a heart attack.
“What now?” I asked pulling him aside. It took quite a few minutes for him to catch his breath.
“We …..we …….we want protection for fishermen on beaches,” he said.
“Why are you taking up the cause of fishermen. There are others to do it,” I shouted at him. “You could get a heart attack climbing this slope.”
“This is my new profession, Derekji,” he explained. “If I don’t protest and get picture in newspaper people who give money will ask many questions. Important point is to be there when Press people click photo. Later I make nice book of all photos and newspaper cutting and claim ‘social worker’ status.”
It did not take me long to realize that Ram Vilas was ahead of me in the protest business. He had spotted an opportunity and worked on it. This small chap from Bihar was an entrepreneur in his own right.
Anyway, a month later I spotted Ram Vilas all alone at Miramar beach. He looked sad and forlorn.
“Arre bhai what is your problem? Why the long face?” I asked and squatted next to him.
“Derekji, all issues exhausted,” he explained. “I am thinking of new plan, but tube light fused yaar.”
“What about River Princess?” I said.
“We did protest march on Candolim beach Derekji, he said, “but all protesters took off clothes and went for swim. General secretary Jagdish drowned.”
“It might be worthwhile to protest against mega projects,” I said.
“That also done,” he said sadly.
What about pay parking?” His eyes lit up.
“This is big idea,” exclaimed, “We can start new NGO with new name …….Pay Parking Hatao Munch.” He though for a while and said, “No ‘Munch’ is not nice word. Everybody thinking we are chocolatewallas.”
“What about Samiti or Abhiyan?” I asked. This went on for a while until Ram Vilas settled on Abhiyan. Then with the air of a creative artist he said, “We will demand that government sack commissioner and Mayor …..”
“That’s impossible. The government will not do that,” I explained.
“Derekji,” he said in a hushed tone, “secret of success in protest industry is, make impossible demand because if government accepts demand protest get finished in two days and Ram Vilas become ‘bekhar’ again…….”
With that he stood up and walked away, perhaps to discuss the matter with his tea slurping ‘i-doll-g’ guide.
(ENDS)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
First published in the Gomantak Times (Weekender), Goa - September 6, 2009
By Derek Almeida
Some time back former GCCI president Nitin Konkolienkar said that “protests” had become an industry in Goa. I never took him seriously until I bumped into my friend Ram Vilas. He was on his way to the Majestic Hotel with a placard which read, “Say no to casinos.”
“Arre bhai, when did you join the protest brigade?” I asked him.
“Derekji, good to see you,” he gushed, “I am now pucca Goan. I learning to protest just like you. You know, long time I am thinking to start new business …..”
“What happened to your tandoori chicken restaurant?” I asked.
“Wife is looking after restaurant, so, I thought I will start new business,” he explained. “First I am giving lots of thought. Then after having some pegs of feni, I am giving more though, but not like first time. Then I am getting some inspiration like tiny drops and suddenly my tube light is working, and I get idea to start NGO and launch protest. Hopefully, in two years I will get office in Panjim if I can make big nuisance for government.” Ram Vilas grinned while I stood there stunned over how this little man had progressed.
“If you are here and your wife is in the restaurant who looks after the children?” I asked with concern.
“Children growing by self Derekji, no tension,” he replied.
Ten day later I found Ram Vilas sipping a cup of tea in a hotel in Panjim along with few of his friends.
“Derekji, welcome we are planning to stage dharna in Old Goa against Baiguinim garbage site,” he said with enthusiasm.
“Arre Ram bhai, you live in Porvorim what is your objection to the Baiguinim site?”
Ram Vilas quickly introduced me to a ragged looking fellow with an overgrown beard and six rings on his fingers. “Derekji meet Pratap from Lucknow. He is top fellow in ideology.” Of course Ram pronounced it as ‘i-doll-g’ but I got the drift.
Pratap slurped tea from a saucer, gave me suspicious glance and then let loose a barrage in pure Hindi, which I could scarcely understand. The only word I took in was ‘Bainguinim’ which he threw in several times for effect. After he had finished he sat down and continued slurping tea as if nothing had happened.
“What did he say?” I asked Ram Vilas.
Ram Vilas did a left-right with his head and said, “Too fast for me, Derekji, but we are going Old Goa to click good photo for Press.”
About a month later I spotted Ram Vilas in a morcha, which was working its way towards the Secretariat. He was panting and gasping as the protestors struggled up the slope after the Mandovi bridge. Ram Vilas looked like he was going to have a heart attack.
“What now?” I asked pulling him aside. It took quite a few minutes for him to catch his breath.
“We …..we …….we want protection for fishermen on beaches,” he said.
“Why are you taking up the cause of fishermen. There are others to do it,” I shouted at him. “You could get a heart attack climbing this slope.”
“This is my new profession, Derekji,” he explained. “If I don’t protest and get picture in newspaper people who give money will ask many questions. Important point is to be there when Press people click photo. Later I make nice book of all photos and newspaper cutting and claim ‘social worker’ status.”
It did not take me long to realize that Ram Vilas was ahead of me in the protest business. He had spotted an opportunity and worked on it. This small chap from Bihar was an entrepreneur in his own right.
Anyway, a month later I spotted Ram Vilas all alone at Miramar beach. He looked sad and forlorn.
“Arre bhai what is your problem? Why the long face?” I asked and squatted next to him.
“Derekji, all issues exhausted,” he explained. “I am thinking of new plan, but tube light fused yaar.”
“What about River Princess?” I said.
“We did protest march on Candolim beach Derekji, he said, “but all protesters took off clothes and went for swim. General secretary Jagdish drowned.”
“It might be worthwhile to protest against mega projects,” I said.
“That also done,” he said sadly.
What about pay parking?” His eyes lit up.
“This is big idea,” exclaimed, “We can start new NGO with new name …….Pay Parking Hatao Munch.” He though for a while and said, “No ‘Munch’ is not nice word. Everybody thinking we are chocolatewallas.”
“What about Samiti or Abhiyan?” I asked. This went on for a while until Ram Vilas settled on Abhiyan. Then with the air of a creative artist he said, “We will demand that government sack commissioner and Mayor …..”
“That’s impossible. The government will not do that,” I explained.
“Derekji,” he said in a hushed tone, “secret of success in protest industry is, make impossible demand because if government accepts demand protest get finished in two days and Ram Vilas become ‘bekhar’ again…….”
With that he stood up and walked away, perhaps to discuss the matter with his tea slurping ‘i-doll-g’ guide.
(ENDS)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
First published in the Gomantak Times (Weekender), Goa - September 6, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
