FOOTLOOSE: The wrong idea

The wrong idea
By Derek Almeida


Why is it that when a man gets caught with three naked women in his room most people get the silly idea that he wants to have sex? Perhaps this has much to do with stereotyping – men want sex, women want children.

The other day the 86-year-old Governor of Andhra Pradesh N D Tiwari was literally caught with his pants down along with three women who were quite naked. My question is why did no one look at it as installation art? Why did we all jump to the conclusion that Tiwari wanted sex? Did we get his side of the story?

While most reporters took the holier-than-thou attitude, I opted to probe the matter deeper to get to the truth. To my good luck I happened to get in touch with a bureaucrat at the Raj Bhavan and he agreed to do an interview.

Sir, how did Tiwari manage to get three women to take off their clothes?
That is something that all the men in the Raj Bhavan are eager to know, because Tiwariji succeeded were everyone else failed. (laughs)

Was Tiwari on Viagra, because most Goans are surprised at what he was attempting to do at his age?
No he was not on Viagra. You must remember if a man is fit enough to be Governor, he can do anything and everything. Secondly, the media has misconstrued the scene capture on camera by a television channel to be that of Tiwari having an orgy. I wish to state that just because you seen three women in the company of a man does not mean he wants to have sex with them. I wish to clarify that Tiwariji was merely going through a stress test and the whole episode was purely medical in nature. We will be releasing a pressnote shortly clarifying Tiwariji’s position.

Any photos?
I am afraid we cannot release any photos because of the sensitive nature of the medical tests undertaken.

Why were three women needed for the stress test when one would do?
You must not forget that Tiwari is the Governor and as Governor he is entitled to the best medical treatment money can buy. There is no question of compromising on the health of the Governor. We are aware that one woman would have been sufficient for the test but had to include another two on the recommendation of a local numerologist who said, “Two is company, three is fun.”

There is an allegation that the Governor was exploiting women members of his staff ….
This is totally untrue. The three women you are referring to were from Uttarkhand. They had volunteered for the job and were amply compensated for services rendered.

Are you saying the Raj Bhavan has been turned into a den for prostitution?
This is entirely untrue. As I already mentioned the women in question were from poorer regions of Uttarkhand and Tiwariji was doing all he could to pull them out of poverty by offering them the opportunity to help him undergo a stress test.

Isn’t there an alternate way of conducting a stress test?
You are right, there are alternate ways, but most of them are pretty boring. Tiwariji is 86 years old and we thought the best way of kick starting the test was by getting three maidens to strip. Believe me, this old trick still works.

Yes, it also kick started an agitation.
I know…we though people would understand…

Are you saying what Tiwari did was right?
I am not saying that his actions were either right or wrong. Though, in hindsight we should have switched off the lights.

Have the women made a statement to the police?
I don’t think you are aware of the immunity enjoyed by a Governor against prosecution. He cannot be tried for any action undertaken in the line of duty. So we conducted an internal enquiry.

What did the women have to say?
They bared all. They told us the truth and nothing but the naked truth. Not once did they accuse Tiwariji of any wrongdoing although, they did mention that he dropped off to sleep in the middle of the stress test.

Do you believe their story?
Let me put it this way: Their hips don’t lie.

(ENDS)

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First published in the Gomantak Times (Weekender), Goa - December 27, 2009